Muah!

I have apartment, I have Lappy, I have internet.

Don’t quite believe it’s all working yet.

– Bwaaah la la Lauren

/

There’s something I’m dying to say — but for the moment, this seems to suffice:

We cannot know his legendary head
with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso
is still suffused with brilliance from inside,
like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,

gleams in all its power. Otherwise
the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could
a smile run through the placid hips and thighs
to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
and would not glisten like a wild beast’s fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,
burst like a star: for here there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.

Rilke, Archaic Torso of Apollo

(I read it over and over again, and the more I read it the surer I am it’s going to kill me.)

Not worthy!

Back to template theme. Not good enough for original creations!

Sad.

Why I can’t get along with anyone.

Why do I run so hot and cold with people — why am I so quick to idolize, and so quick to judge? All my love for a person can be gone in a flash as soon as I read some shit like:

What life, including marriage, is all about is women versus men. There is a constant and, I think, a lovely war going on. Men and women are basically different. Women are the protectors– men can’t have children and don’t have the instinct for motherhood — and men protect the protectors. Men are built for adventure. It makes for unhappiness in a marriage when women don’t understand the basic differences between them and that men do need adventure.

I say that if you’re a married man you have the right to get drunk, screw around and go to the whorehouse, but not fall in love.

I’m not actually interested in even impassively exploring other human experiences and viewpoints. Everything is a litmus test with me. Really all I want is someone to mirror — and validate — my own way of thinking.

Disgusting.

But then — I’m trying to love an inveterate misogynist.

But then — that’s just my snap judgment.

So…

(As a Firefox convert, this entire domain is an embarrassment, but I’m too lazy to do a thing about it. My other domain is fully XHTML validated, though )

Excuses.

I may have so much trouble updating my blog because in the back of my mind, there are still two dozen entries I’ve been meaning to write for years.

I still want to write about that time DHS called Jessica ‘thingy.’

Hypochondria.

I’m here at Lani’s request, and out of a general sense of duty. I don’t know why I can’t blog three times a day like any normal internet user.

I diagnosed myself with a brain tumor last night, malignant, most probably fatal, and gave myself through the end of this week to live.

Well, there is something wrong with me, but I’m not going to mention it to anyone, no, I can’t afford brain surgery, and I’d rather not know. It’s just my head feels strange lately; it’s not any kind of headache, but a tightness, a heaviness, not painful but ever-present. I’m tired all the time and if I read a book in a comfortable position I’m likely to pass out by page two. But my brain feels like it’s ‘asleep’ all the time. Actually, I’ve had this sort of thing for about two years now, but it seems suddenly much worse.

Enough of my craziness — I know damn well what it is and I know what to do about it. I’m certain it’s actually malnutrition. I have every effect of anorexia, without the cause or the intent — but it amounts to the same thing. I just don’t eat, I just can’t bring myself to eat, far too much of the time. Rarely do I eat before 2pm, and then rarely do I eat more than one serving of fruits and vegetables together in a day.

Honestly, I’m a moron — I will finish this entry and then I will go find something to eat, and I’ll keep finding something to eat, and there will be no permanent brain damage or impending death. One hopes.

Right. What else? I have an apartment! The whole ordeal of finding one has been lost to this blog so why start now, but I do have an apartment, and it’s lovely, and that is actually very exciting.

And uhm… I’m a frightfully boring individual, but I have to think that when I’m in my apartment and have regained my right mind, that will all change.